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Parents' Dictionary of Meanings

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Expecting or planning a baby? Be prepared for your life to turn upside down with his or her or their (!) arrival. One of the things that are sure to change is your vocabulary.

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate
the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Letter to My Pets

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Enter the gallery!When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.

Welfare Applications

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For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for payments.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

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